Chapter 1. The Couple Bubble
How You Can Keep Each Other Safe and Secure.
Why to pair up at all ?…“This longing for a safe zone is one reason we pair up…pairing up is about creating a safe place in which to relax and feel accepted, wanted, protected, and cared for…What ultimately counts for a couple is the ability to be there for one another, no matter what”.
Autonomy versus Mutuality
The autonomy model : a belief that each should stand independent of the other and should not expect to be looked after. Something like: “You do your thing and I’ll do my thing” or “You take care of yourself and I’ll take care of myself.” …When push comes to shove, each prioritize his/her personal needs over their needs as a couple…living according to an “If it’s good for me, you should be all right with it” type of agreement… This brand of autonomy doesn’t reflect true independence, but rather a fear of dependency. Instead of representing strength, it can represent weakness.
The mutuality model. It is based on sharing and mutual respect. Neither expects the other to be different from who he or she is, and both use this shared knowledge as a way to protect one another in private as well as public settings.
The couple bubble is a term I like to use to describe the mutually constructed membrane, cocoon, or womb that holds a couple together and protects each partner from outside elements. A couple bubble is an intimate environment that the partners create and sustain together. “Our relationship is more important than my need to be right, your performance, your appearance, what other people think or want, or any other competing value.”
“You have to love yourself before anyone can love you.” Pop psychology claims. Is any of this true?
The couple bubble is something you work on together. When I speak about responding to a partner “in the best way,” I mean in a way that works well for and feels good to both individuals. It works only when both partners operate on a principled level and not on the level of “You go first.”
There is nothing inherently better about coupling than about being single…Janice Kiecolt-Glaser and her colleagues (2005) found unhappily married folks to be more prone to illness than are happily single folks.
Do you believe in yourself ? If you you answer YES, chances are very good that, that belief originated with somebody important to you. This is how we come to be as we are: all our prior interactions and relationships have shaped the person we are today!
Most couples in love may share various ideals about their relationship but still be unhappy; the problem is their “nitty-gritty personal history that always trumps ideals”. This is just the way we’re wired…for example, If we never saw mutual care, sensitivity, and repair in our parents’ marriage, those values likely will elude us”.
If at an early age we experienced security and a love we could trust, we carry this with us. As adults, we are able to form new primary attachment relationships. We feel capable of being strong and loving and secure.
On the other hand, if at an early age our relationships with caregivers were less than secure, and the caregiver did not seem to value being with us over all other matters, we are likely to be fearful or worried about entering into or being in relationships.
What it takes to create a couple bubble in which you as partners keep one another safe and secure ?. Obviously we can’t change what happened when we were infants. However, if those early influences
are affecting how we feel about relationships now, if they hinder our ability to form the kinds of bonds we want in our lives now, we can work toward resolving them. Therapy is helpful to achieve this kind of rewiring.
A shared love fest obscures the fact that we don’t really yet know each other well. In a new relationship, we’re just excited to be aiming for the stars, and assume we’ll figure everything out when we get there. But if we want the relationship to stand a chance of reaching its destination, this is precisely when we need to figure it out.
Devote yourself to your partner’s sense of safety and security and not simply to your idea about what that should be. What may make you feel safe and secure may not be what your partner requires from you. Your job is to know what matters to your partner and how to make him or her feel safe and secure.
You may have adored his sense of humor at the beginning of your relationship, but now you dislike that he cracks jokes when you want him to be serious. You may have admired her musical talent, but be annoyed when she wants to practice the piano instead of walk with you. Remember: you get exactly what you paid for. Pay for part of something, and you get part of the same something.
First Guiding Principle
- Create a couple bubble
- Monitor it
Devote yourself to your partner’s sense of safety and security and not simply to your idea about what that should be. What may make you feel safe and secure may not be what your partner requires from you. Your job is to know what matters to your partner and how to make him or her feel safe and secure.
Don’t pop the bubble
Don’t take a stance that is partly in and partly out of the relationship, undermines the security you have created (close all the exits !)
Make sure the bubble is mutually maintained and honored. “I can say my partner should be available to me whenever I need, but I must make myself available too, without expecting him or her to go first. Then, if my partner doesn’t comply with our agreed-upon principles, we have some talking to do”. share your own vulnerabilities. It is your primary means of support and protection. Conspire together about how you will address difficult people. Remember that splitting up to deal with difficult people or situations leaves you vulnerable.
Remember: As a couple, your words and phrases are similar, as are your childhood memories of hurt and betrayal.
| STAN TATKIN. WIRED FOR LOVE |
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